Thursday, October 13, 2011

Psychotic Food Texts

My poor, poor husband. I'm only 12 weeks pregnant and already I've given him a MUCH harder time with the "honey, can you pick up..." texts throughout the work day. I can only recall a few from my pregnancy with Anna.

1. Beef Jerky from Karl's Country Market in Menomonee Falls. Yes, that specific. He went in, cleaned them out and then told them they better keep it coming because his pregnant wife was craving it.

2. Cheetos. "Hubby, we have a cheeto emergency. THERE ARE NO CHEETOS!!!" His response? "A lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part. You should have stopped on your way home." Bah. Humbug.

Lately, though, since I have the excuse of crazy, tiny human who won't let me go to the store without driving the car carts and buying at least two packs of M&Ms (I MAY have *something* to do with that. STOP JUDGING ME!), I've been sending texts to him indicating my preference that he be at my constant beck and call, and shower me with whatever food tickles my fancy. Are you surprised he's started ignoring my texts? See below.

From bed the day after I told him about the baby. He was letting me sleep in.


A few days later. Hubby had texted to ask if he could go out with some friends after work. I had earlier said no problem. Please, before you label me "too crazy to be friends with any more" understand that these took place over an ENTIRE afternoon (about 4 hours).

"Changed my mind. Only ok if you bring home potato chips. I am not joking."
"Plain potato chips, no ruffles. Ruffles are for weenies."
"For real will you please bring me potato chips?"
"Poh-Tay-Toe chips. I shall not rest til thee are in mah belly! It's becoming a problematic obsession."
"Potato Chips or Perish!"
"If you'd acknowledge my request I wouldn't have to change the locks on the off-chance you come home WITHOUT potato chips. Which would be ridiculous."
Hubby: "There will be potato chips."
Me again: "Listen out your window! I think you'll be able to hear the Hallelujah Chorus from there. (thank you)"
"Do you hate me yet?"

Another day, around lunch time.
"Yeah, I'm gonna need a pie."

This is not food related, but I found it in my perusal of texts between me and hubby and it made me laugh.
"Ohh man, the kid just asked how the baby got in my tummy. I really wanted to say I ate it. Then she said "mom, I wish it was twins."

One evening trying to figure out dinner plans before end of day.

"Dear, could we please please have Noodles & Co for dinner? Could you please please bring it home with you?"
"Or enchiladas?"
"Or a giant pan of frosted brownies?"
"You should respond or I'm just going to keep sending you random foods."

And, finally, last night.

"I can't stop thinking about pudding...can you help a sister out? I mean, I know I'm not a sister but could you still pick up some pudding on your way home?"

I'd also like to add, that hubby is a good sport, and I do this mostly to amuse myself. He did bring the potato chips. And I think he brought Noodles & Co for me. Otherwise, he just ignores me and laughs at me when he gets home. As he should.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Checking In

Apologies for the sparse updates. It's hard to write when there's a lot I'm trying not to say. Yeah, confusing, I know. So here it is.

Anna's been giving me a run for my money with an increase in the frequency and intensity of her tantrums in the past month or so. In a moment of desperation I posted on Facebook in July and got some GREAT advice from a lot of my parent/nanny friends there (Thank you ALL again!!). It was much appreciated and I've woven bits of all of it into my ever-changing strategies for dealing with Anna's fiery temper. I also checked out "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" from our local library. Had some good points, but I gotta tell you, it's difficult to lend a lot of credibility to advice given by a non-parent about parenting (who isn't a teacher/nanny). Especially when it involves baby-talking to my child who has been speaking in complete sentences for 6+ months.

Amidst the melt-downs (for Anna and mom!), there have been a few funnies, so I'll share them in an effort to focus on the good tonight.

1. In the car earlier today, Anna and I were discussing the days of the week. I told her today was Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday - the start of the weekend and we'll get daddy all to ourselves! She promptly and seriously responded, "no, mom, you can have him all to YOURself. I'm going to Hootie's (my mom's). If you miss me, you can just call me." Apparently, now that she's 3, she's arranging her own babysitters.

2. Last week Anna told me she wants to be "a police" when she grows up. I told her that's a very important job. And she responded, "yes, and then I'll get to have a whistle." I'm taking submissions for my list of OTHER jobs that also allow a whistle - perhaps jobs that won't lead to stress ulcers for her parents!

3. "Mom, gimme your rings, I need to go marry Uncle Mike." Eh, my brother's a catch. Enough said.

4. This story I've been sitting on because I wasn't sure I wanted to tell it publicly, but it's too funny not to share. We got a Little Mermaid book from the library a while ago. Anna was looking at the cover and suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, Mommy! Look! Look at her beautiful BOOBS! They're big and beautiful JUST LIKE YOURS!" Why, thank you, sweetheart. I'm not really sure how to respond to that.

5. I'd like to give major credit to my two friends who showed up for dinner at my house last week only to discover that Anna had decided to make it a naked dinner and sat COMPLETELY naked at the table, conversing and eating as though nothing were amiss. These two didn't miss a beat and acted like everything was normal. Maybe they suspect that most meals at my house are pants-optional? I'm not sure I want that reputation.

And now I'm signing off to attempt to do some dishes before bed. To the sounds of Anna playing hide and seek in her bed with her jaguar beanie baby. Strangely comforting.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

What Did I Just Say?

I consider myself to be a fairly reasonable, level-headed person. I may harbor the slight dramatic tendency here and there, but for the most part, I'm not one to shout fire when there's nothing but smoke.

Having a kid has turned my idea of "normal" completely on its head.

Case in point: Today at the wading pool (Canon Park in Milwaukee - if you're not visiting their wading pool this summer, you should be!), Anna was having a very pleasant time splashing, blowing bubbles and hopping around in the water. I was having a very pleasant time sitting in the sun watching her do the aforementioned activities until...

She wandered out of the pool (and by wandered I mean hopped like a frog, complete with ribbiting - isn't this how you wander??) and started inspecting a puddle on the pavement with her foot. I assume she deemed it acceptable because the next thing I knew, she was down on all fours lapping water from the puddle like a dog does from its bowl. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to tell another human being not to drink water off the sidewalk. Never, until I became a parent.

Now I get to say all sorts of fun things like:

"Don't dip your cookie in the cat's water bowl."


"Stop putting ants in your milk."


"Leave my bellybutton THE HECK ALONE!"

And other things of this nature.

The world is merely her playground, my friends. She's got a passion for knowledge and compassion for all living creatures (the cats like to drink the water, so why wouldn't it be good to dunk cookies in; Ants deserve a place to swim too; my bellybutton is apparently a source of much scientific wonderment).

I just still can't believe that I had to tell another human being not to lick pavement at a PUBLIC POOL.

Ugh. Disgusting.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Great Milwaukee Race

As a self-proclaimed "die-hard Milwaukee fan," I was proud to participate yesterday in the Great Milwaukee Race. One hundred teams gathered downtown at AJ Bombers where we were given a packet of clues and sent on a scavenger hunt-style race around downtown Milwaukee.

Our team posing with the Bronze Fonz statue on the Riverwalk.

I was a last-minute fill-in on my friend Amy's team. I don't think I ever would have signed up on my own. I have been running for about 2 months now, training for a 5K, but mostly to slim down for our Hawaii trip in November. When Amy asked if I would want to fill the vacant spot, I impulsively said "sure" and then proceeded to freak out for the rest of the day. At most, I'd covered 3 miles at a crack before yesterday. After yesterday: 9.5 miles. It was SO MUCH FUN!!!

We received a packet of 10 clues at the start and were told to plan the most efficient route to hit each stop. There were challenges waiting for us at each destination: a game of giant jacks, a potato sack race, a marshmallow relay.

The team posing right near the War Memorial. I love the Art Museum in the background.

Our team had decided that having fun was goal number one, but that we'd also really like to at least finish the race within time limits. So naturally, I led them immediately a mile in the wrong direction (they were extremely forgiving!).

Our team in front of one of the "bonus" signs we had to watch out for throughout the race.

We got turned around a couple of times, and had the assistance of a very kind green team right at the end, but we did it! We found our way all around downtown, had a GREAT workout and really enjoyed eachother's company for the morning (I suppose I should say I enjoyed their company - and hope they also enjoyed mine!). I can't wait to sign up again next year!

Amy, Becky and Kristi, Thank you all again for inviting me to join your team yesterday! I had a blast!

Yesterday was another huge reminder to me of two things:

1. Milwaukee is an awesome city. The beautiful places are both obvious and also tucked away. Hit up the Riverwalk or take a walk down by Lake Michigan. Bike the Oak Leaf Trail. Just walk through the Third Ward. There's a TON to see and do downtown, especially in the summer!

2. I am capable of so much more than I believe. My mind stands in the way of my body a lot of the time. Never in my life would I have believed that I could have gone 9.5 miles in a morning. I'm definitely signing up for my first 5K this summer.

Me in the marshmallow relay - our last challenge of the race.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Potty-Time Princess

All hail Anna on her porcelain throne!

This past week, Anna has been using the potty every time she pees. Something just clicked and she suddenly decided she was down with this whole process. We even made it through 3 hours at the zoo today, completely dry (though we toured SEVERAL restrooms in the process).

While this is incredibly exciting and I'm really proud of her, it's also...I don't want this to sound totally selfish...but it's also a huge pain in the butt.

The kid uses "I gotta go pee!" as an excuse to get out of nap time, mealtime, bath time, bedtime and church. She always goes, so it's not like I can call her on any shenanigans, but her timing is always very curious (meaning she doesn't have to go when we're brushing teeth, but suddenly has to go REALLY badly after her stories are read and I'm getting ready to depart for the night).

Then there's the toilet paper. Someday I'll be able to use toilet paper that hasn't been unrolled and either thrown on the floor or stuffed on the window sill, right? Right? Is there a trick to teaching a 2-year-old to regulate the amount of toilet paper she rips off? Because we've gone through almost 3 rolls in the past 4 days. That's not normal. We'll be replacing the cost of diapers with a huge hike in the cost of our TP supply.

Also, the weirdness. Forty percent of the time, I get her situated and then she demands that I get out and close the door ("mommy, geh-dout!"), 50% of the time she demands that I sit down on the side of the tub and turn the sink on ("so I can hear my pees."), and 10% of the time, we get the marathon "sit down, mommy. Tell me a story and let's sing songs and OH BE QUIET, BE QUIET!!! We gotta wait for my pees!" FOR 30 FREAKING MINUTES.

All this aside, Anna seems to have turned a corner in this adventure we're on, and I think it's safe to say we're all looking forward to saying goodbye to diapers. Coming soon to a public restroom near you, it's Anna and her new big-girl potty skills!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Hockey and New Friends

Hubby and I went to the Admirals (Hockey) game last night for our 7th anniversary. We attended a game as our first date back in 2001, and we’ve spent several birthdays and anniversaries revisiting the Bradley Center.

Last night’s game was particularly cool because 3 Packer players were there to drop the puck and then participate in various interviews and activities throughout the game.

But the most entertaining part of the evening was my seatmate. Not Hubby, though he and I shared quite a few laughs throughout the game. No, it was my new friend on my right. Let’s call her Super Intoxicated Blond Lady (SIBL should do). Sibl was, as I understand from her loud and constant arguments with her companion, out on a “first date” of sorts with someone who had just broken up with his girlfriend mere hours earlier. In fact, Sibl was using the ex’s ticket for the night. This fact was brought up (again, loudly) several times as it went from being a joke to being the cause of her wanting to leave (in the 3rd period).

Sibl and I bonded in several ways last night. There were the elbows to the face when she started grooving to “Boom Boom Pow” by the Black Eyed Peas. There was the accidental kick in the knee when she misjudged where her seat was after returning with yet another glass of wine. There was the incident with the wave when she dumped most of that very glass of wine all over me as she exuberantly threw her arms into the air. Then there was the exclamation after she fought tooth and nail for a free beef snack stick being passed out in our section, was given one, then turned to me and yelled, “What the h**l was I trying to get this for?! I’m a f*****g VEGETARIAN!”

That last interaction made me decide that Sibl and I could probably be friends. She apologized any of the times she hit/kicked/drenched me, and only tried to drag me into her arguments with her companion a couple of times. Her (very slurred) parting words to everyone in our section were, “So long, y’all! I hope whoever is playing wins!!”

And I really think she meant it.

We left shortly after her departure. I turned to hubby just before we got up to leave and asked him, on our anniversary, to make another vow to me.
“If I ever get THAT drunk in public, PLEASE remove me from wherever we are!!”

He said YES!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Coconut vs. Polkanut

Go with me on this for a minute. This story won't be funny (nor will it make sense) if you don't first go watch that video above and understand that this is still how she pronounces "polka dot."

Watched it? Good.

Yesterday in the car, Anna asked if we could go on a vacation (Good grief, YES! I am so sick of this snow!). I said she was in luck because we will be going to Hawaii (oh, yeah, Mike, we're coming. Forgot to tell you.) in November and it will be so fun! There will be beaches and ocean and palm trees and coconuts!

At this point, Anna started to bust a gut in the back seat. Complete with a "Ohhh, Mommy, you are so. funny."

"What'd I do?"

"Curtains on the beach?! Noooo! That's silly."

No matter how many ways I tried to explain that "coconuts" and "polkanuts" are NOT the same thing, she'll have none of it.

OK, I realize it's not THAT funny, but more of a you-had-to-be-there situation. I just couldn't believe SHE found it so funny. Really, she barely ever laughs that hard.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Not "THAT" Mom

Ugh. These are the nights I dread. The nights I have to play "enforcer." The nights I don't get to be "fun, cool Mom," but instead have to discipline and enforce consequences. It's especially brutal at bedtime.

I've found myself lately slipping into an "ANNA" voice. Meaning that everything that comes out of my mouth is IN ALL CAPS. Seems like the kid is CHAMPION at tuning me out unless I SPEAK TO HER LIKE THIS at certain times. And I don't want to be "that" mom.

I read "Parenting with Love and Logic" this past summer. I think it might be time for a re-read. I know most of my consequences are natural consequences. I explain the circumstances calmly, but still, I find myself getting so frustrated at times that I can't help raising my voice. And I don't want to be "that" mom.

Bedtime is an especially tough time for us. I'm usually exhausted. She's usually wound up. It usually ends in tears. All around. Tonight she peaked her little head around the door and whispered, "don't be made at me." And my heart broke. Granted, she'd earned it by being violent and not listening. She'd already lost all her bedtime stories. But I'm giving the victory of that battle over to her, because she's sleeping peacefully and I'm sitting on the couch, still stinging over those 5 little words. I wanted to go back in after I closed her bedroom door and tell her I changed my mind and just read her some stories. But I don't want to be "that" mom.

This whole parenting thing...just a constant battle of what we know will be best for them in the long-run versus what will make them happy now. I love when she's happy NOW. Her little eyes light up and she has the best smile. But I want my kid to learn that there are consequences for her actions (or lack thereof). I want her to grow up to be responsible, to take initiative, to be respectful. I want to be the mom who sits back proudly in 10, 15, 20 years and says "yeah, that's MY kid."

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

If I Find One More Sandra Boynton Book in my Underwear Drawer...

In so very many ways, toddlers are like squirrels, socking away their treats in several little treasure troves all over the place. Funny I should mention sock. Anna's favorite place to stash all her treasures lately is in my underwear drawer. IS NOTHING SACRED? Every time I go in to pull out a fresh pair of socks, out flies Barnyard Dance. Or a Ninja Turtle. Or a plastic piece of bologna. I mean, seriously, BOLOGNA!

We're settling in to being at home, but I'm quickly realizing that Anna loves repetition. As in, we're playing the same games over. And over. And over. Oh, and over. I tend to get a little tired of "put the bunny to bed" and I definitely fear for my life when we play doctor. I'm getting creative with solutions to the monotony, but also trying to respect the fact that she LIKES the repetition. I try to schedule one or two things outside the house each week (keeping in mind that I'm only at home 3 days a week). Plus we do a lot of baking, coloring and nail painting. She's been fairly flexible with my desire to obsessively clean the house, but I can tell I've been pushing it too far when she asks "Aw, mom, are there MORE bad germs on the tub AGAIN?" Scarred for life.

Speaking of scarred for life, I did a bad thing last week. I was TRYING to do a good thing. But it backfired big time.

Anna is like an addict with her pacifier. She has been, literally, from the day she was born. She sneaks it when she's not supposed to have it, begs for it when I take it away and won't go to bed without it. I decided last week that since her half birthday was on January 31st, maybe this would be an opportune time for the "nuk fairy" to visit our house. The nuk fairy visits big girls who don't need their nuks anymore and trades a fun new toy for the nuk, taking the nuk to babies who need it.

I decided to give Anna a few days of pep talks about the nuk fairy, explaining that she was almost a big girl and how exciting it would be for the nuk fairy to pay her a visit. Yes. Great. She was pumped. Until bed time rolled around.

I put her to bed as usual and she whined as usual when I left the room. But after about 10 minutes of her complaining off and on, hubby and I heard her door knob rattling, followed by a positively pathetic moan from behind the door. I sent hubby in since he can usually resolve issues quickly with her. A few minutes later he came out snickering.

"She's afraid to go to sleep because the 'fairy babies' are going to come to her room in the night and steal her nuks."

Truly, this child is afraid of NOTHING. She likes to be scared. She loves to talk and read about monsters. But I casually mention about a friendly, benevolent fairy possibly, maybe sneaking into her bedroom during the night and stealing her most prized possession, and THAT freaks her out?! Of course it does.

I had to go in and promise to call the nuk fairy right away (who is very nice and ALWAYS listens to mommies) and tell her we weren't ready for her to visit our house yet.

So, we're keeping the nuk! At least for a little while longer. Which I suspect was her end game all along. Well played, tiny human, well played.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Low Key Day

The kid has been under the weather for the last couple of days. Started as a nasty cough that was joined yesterday by a fever. Thankfully that seems to have subsided as of early this morning, but she's been extra snuggly all day (no complaints here! Though it is slightly strange to "snuggle" a child when you're trying to go to the bathroom. I'm just saying.).

I was so thankful as I lay awake this morning at 3:30 after Anna woke up absolutely terrified and disoriented, begging me to turn the light on, that I didn't have to stress about missing work today. She had been talking in her sleep all night and I'm fairly sure she was having nightmares, which I don't think she's had before. We got a drink of milk and read some books and she was back asleep within about a half hour. She managed to sleep until right around 7:30, at which point we moved to the couch to snuggle. We just relaxed in our jammies most of the day, chugging fluids (since I'm now also feeling the tightness in my chest, lovely) and watching Sesame Street.

She still wanted to play, so we got out the blocks and crayons and just chilled on the living room floor watching our driveway and street out front fill up with snow. I sipped my coffee and she sipped her apple juice. Life is good.

**Note mostly to myself - it's been too long since I posted pictures. I will make my next post a picture post. Please feel free to harass me if I forget.

Monday, January 10, 2011

My Little Storyteller

Anna's imagination has literally exploded. All over my living room. She is a champion at pretend play - building block castles, cities and towers, which she then populates with her beanie babies, Fischer Price Little People and various other critters that have invaded my once-clean house. She makes up stories to go along with her play and frequently she tells those stories to me. However, there are only two story lines that she follows consistently (in some variation).

They are:

1. "Once upon a time there were THREE MON-SERS!!!! And one fall down he CRY!"

2. "God Jesus was borned and he gonna love us. All....Night!"

Her facial expressions and gestures while she's telling these stories make it more of a performance than a story. And she ends each story with "That's a good story, mama?"

Yes, honey. They are great stories. No matter how many times I hear them, because I think it's both sweet and amazing that she's beginning to be able to grasp the idea of storytelling and imagination.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Living the Dream

Well, here we are. Finally. I'm down to working two days a week and am spending the rest of my time home with Anna as I've been wishing and hoping to do for the past two and a half years. And you know what? It's as fun as I imagined it would be!

We spent this week taking down our Christmas decorations, organizing toys, books, closets, etc (wherever I can convince Anna to play for 10 minutes on her own, I try to clean or organize there at the same time).

We spent a good chunk of time at the library yesterday and then read tons of books when we got home. She's helped me cook. I've helped her color. And then there was the "Let's play doctor" incident where she tried to shove a cash register key into my ear to get the french fries out.

Yes, french fries. Apparently her McDonalds cash register-turned-x-ray scanner informed her that my ear was harboring delicious morsels and she decided to remove them with the little yellow plastic key.

Her bedside manner is SERIOUSLY lacking. I'll be seeing a new doctor next time a tasty treat mysteriously finds its way into one of my ears. For nearly an hour she shouted at me to "LAY DOWN ON THE FLOOR, DON'T WAGGLE (wiggle), DON'T LAUGH, DON'T TALK and LET ME SEE YOUR EARS...NOW!" Oh, and she forced me to wear a bowl over my face (I think it was meant to be a surgical mask). I'm still traumatized.

I've since caught her using her "x-ray" on both cats and Hubby. None of whom went running and screaming for the hills as I suggested they should. Suckers.