Broken record here.
I don't even know if this makes any sense, but it's so much harder to go back to work after a tough weekend than a good one. I feel like I spent most of today talking Anna down from tantrums, trying to find a reserve of patience that just wasn't there and feeling in general frustrated with her behavior. And now my weekend is done and I have to wait 5 more days before I can spend more than an hour at a shot with my daughter.
I thought this would get easier. I thought if I gave it some time the whole working mom thing would stop feeling like I was ripping my heart out of my chest every morning on my way out the door. I thought I'd stop spending Sunday nights crying on my couch. I know I've said it before, but I HATE being a part-time mom. I hate it. (The "part-time" part, that is.)
We're working on getting out of debt. I think that's part of what's got me feeling crumby. We've still got at least two years left. We crunched the numbers and it's going to be at least that long before we're finished paying off the rest of our debts. Problem is that I can't stay home with Anna or even think about having another baby until that's paid down. Anna will be almost in Kindergarten. I'll have missed everything with her by then - heck, I've already missed most of it.
Ugh, I hate when I give in to thinking about this stuff. Most of the time I can keep it out of my mind by staying busy, but sometimes, especially after a rough day, it's hard not to let myself go there. And once I'm there it's hard to pull myself out of the slump that inevitably ensues.
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May I join you at this pity party? You know? Life does not always work out according to the plans we make. God does not give us the "you are here" map like the nice ones at the mall. We don't see the big picture that He has us in. God would not give you something that would break you. For some reason, only known to Him, he has chosen this path for you AND has promised to provide you the strength and wisdom and patience you need to get through this path AND has promised to never let you go it alone. That is pretty awesome. Balancing work and family is a constant "rearranging"...it is not routine because everything is always changing. You just keep going, knowing that God has given you enough to handle it...and on the teary days (which I have often), cry out to Him. He will hear you and give you the extra support, encouragement, strength, and guidance that you need.
ReplyDeleteFrom one working mom to the other,
Katie
Katie, thank you. This was exactly the reminder I needed. This situation isn't forever and I am here for a reason, even if that reason isn't clear to me! Thank you for the encouraging words and for reminding me that I'm not the only working mom who feels this way!
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