Three-Year-Old Funnies

I've had a couple of conversations with Anna in the past few weeks that I really don't want to forget. So I'm posting them here, both for your entertainment and my ability to pull them up later.

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Last week Anna and I were driving to my mom's and had to make a potty stop at a gas station (I'm going to say it was her idea, but really, at 8 months pregnant, either of us could be to blame). She said, as she was washing her hands, "Mom, I'm pretty hungry. Maybe we should buy some Cheetos!" Of COURSE we should buy some Cheetos! So we headed to the snack aisle. We found the snack bags of Cheetos on the bottom rack and I asked Anna to please bend down and grab them since bending is not my forte these days. She responded, very dramatically (complete with both hands on her lower back) that "uhhh, I can't bend over either, mom!"

"Really? Which one of us is 8 months pregnant?"

"Uh, Mom? I'm pregnant too...With puppies!" (read in the voice of a know-it-all 13-year-old)

I swear the lady behind the counter almost peed herself trying not to laugh. For the record, I had to bend over to get the Cheetos.

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Anna loves to tell me about what she wants to be when she grows up. For a pretty consistent couple of weeks now, it's been a brownie chef and a mommy ("just like you!" awww). Last week she asked me,

"Mom, when I grow up, can I be a brownie chef, a mommy and a ROCKSTAR?!"

"Well, sure, I suppose you could be all of those things at once. Who will be in your band?"

"Daddy. Just daddy. Not you."

"Ok, what instrument will daddy play?"

(very matter-of-factly) "The Tuba."

"Huh, Ok. And what will you play?"

"I'll be the conductor and you can be the audience."

And thus, her "rockstar band" was formed. I believe the last I asked her, she planned to name it Kiki.

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For those keeping track, here's a list of names Anna has suggested for the baby:

Ice Cream
Monkey Nurse
Pinocchio
Winnie the Pooh
Llama Face

Though, when last questioned, she vehemently defended my choice of name: Rutabaga. Maybe someone else should name this poor child.

Pregnant and I Know It

Today I heard "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO on the radio and I started to sing along, until I realized that there is absolutely NOTHING sexy about my current condition. I'm swollen, bloated, moody, emotional and downright crazy. So then I started changing the lyrics in my head and laughing like the crazy person I am while driving down the freeway. So this goes out to all my pregnant, formerly pregnant and soon-to-be-pregnant friends.*

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When I waddle by, I feel so huge I want to cry
When I try to sleep, back pain, heart burn and I have to pee, yeah
This is how I roll, midnight cravings, outta control,
So wide out front, I can't reach my toes
And my moods change FAST, that's how it goes.


Whoa, Look at that belly! Whoa, look at that belly! Whoa, look at that belly!
GET THE KID OUT!

When I lay down to rest, this is what I see
Ripples from thrown elbows and kicking knees,
I got elastic waist-band pants and I ain't afraid to show it

I'm pregnant and I know it.

When I'm at the store, old lady asks how long before
I say fifty days, and her wrinkled old jaw falls down a ways
Got the need to clean, mess up my house and I get mean
Try to touch the baby bump without askin'
And I'm gonna give your face a real good smackin'

Whoa, Look at that belly! Whoa, look at that belly! Whoa, look at that belly!
GET THE KID OUT!

When I lay down to rest, this is what I see
Ripples from thrown elbows and kicking knees,
I got elastic waist-band pants and I ain't afraid to show it

I'm pregnant and I know it.

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(Original Song: Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO)

*For your own psychological well-being, please do not picture me singing this, wearing a Speedo.