I'm going to give myself a second to wallow because in spite of my best efforts over the past few days, I've been unable to shake myself loose from my constant regret over not being able to stay home with Anna.
Since I was a punk two year old, pretend-nursing my stuffed Ernie doll, I've wanted to be a stay at home mom. I've never had strong career aspirations. Don't get me wrong, most of the jobs I've had (and currently do have), I've loved. But love of my job comes no where near to the love of my daughter and my desire to be the one raising her.
I've always thought it was pointless to have children if you weren't even going to be raising them yourself. Why have a kid just to dump him or her off on someone else for 50 hours a week? I'm DEFINITELY lucky and have the second best person to myself to be raising my child. But I am painfully aware of how much of my daughter's life I'm missing by being merely her part-time caregiver.
Alas, there's nothing I can do about it because we need my paycheck. I'm trying to stay focused on the fact that I get weekends with her because during the week I get less than an hour a day. Tonight she was so tired when she got home from daycare that she ate dinner and was in bed by 6:45. She didn't even get home until 6:10. Understand why I'm crying crying over my laptop at 7:30 on a Wednesday?
UGH, as much as I want a second baby, there is NO WAY that is happening until we have the money for me to stay home. I'm not going through this again.
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I can't say that I feel your pain, not having any children myself, but I can sympothise. That is one of the big reason's we don't have children yet...amoung others. They are such a joy and to not be able to spend the time you want with them is heart breaking. However many a mom and dad do it every day, so don't feel guilty. You are doing what you need to in order to provide for your family and that is a huge sacrifice. One of many you will make in your life that will break your heart for sure. So keep spending time at bedtime creating those memories, and weekend family time. Your love will show through! Merry Christmas to you and your family!
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